My first blog. I had always admired those who could do a blog for their children. I love catching up on friends' lives who live far from me; however, my motivation to do so myself just never kicked in. But maybe this is what I need right now... a way to "verbalize" my feelings and thoughts about what is going on in our lives.
The call came yesterday afternoon at 1:50pm. "Hello, Jennie, this is Dr. H. I have the results from your amniocentisis and I have bad news for you. Your baby has Down syndrome." Should he have phrased it like that? Shouldn't he have been encouraging? Maybe something like, "You might have some challenges ahead of you, but I know you can do this?" I guess he doesn't know that. How could he? WE don't even know we can do this. But at this stage of the game, it definitely seems like "bad news." I confess that my first thought was not T21 (Down syndrome)... REALLY bad news would have been T13 or T18, right? Those are both terminal.
A friend told me yesterday that she was "excited." I guess that's related to hearing about how God is going to use this child. Here's my problem: it's easy for her to be excited because it's not HER life that has been permanently radically altered. She won't have to explain to a 6-year-old boy why his little brother can't throw a baseball yet. Or explain to a 4-year-old boy why these random people come into the house to pay extra attention to his little brother in order to help him learn and talk. Or be the one people look at with pity in their eyes when they see a child with special needs walking through the mall with her.
When we found out 10 days ago that our little guy would need surgery soon after birth to open his duodenum, I didn't cry. I mean, I worried, and I still do. But I didn't have the flood of tears like I've had since 1:50pm on 10/12/07. I know the tears will diminish over time. I know this is just part of the grieving process. I feel his kicks and he could be just like any other baby in utero. But he isn't. He's different. And he always will be. I know I should use the word "special" and not the word "different." But aren't all children "special?"
I'll share more details about how we got to this stage in later posts. But for now, I can't think of anything else to say. "God works ALL THINGS together for good." It's in the Bible, so I know in my head that it's true. I have to find my faith to lean on that as truth.